


Gandalf? Who's he? I'm Dumbledore. I promise

by Aliensloveshakespeare



Series: The awesome adventures of Gandalf the white posing as Dumbledore the colourful [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: A deep hatred of Frodo, According to Gandalf, Crack, Everyone but Gandalf is an idiot, Gandalf is a shit, Giant squid hearts the basilisk, Minerva is slightly concerned, Oranges, The Author Regrets Everything, doors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-07 11:35:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18619831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aliensloveshakespeare/pseuds/Aliensloveshakespeare
Summary: Gandalf finds himself in the world of Harry Potter after boarding the boat. Unfortunately the bane of Gandalf's existence Frodo is also here having been reborn as Harry Potter himself. Gandalf decides that the only resonable way to deal with this is to pose as Dumbledore, becomes the headmaster of Hogwarts, and ruin the midgets life.





	Gandalf? Who's he? I'm Dumbledore. I promise

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm sorry.  
> According to some friends who read it it's apperently kinda funny tho so yay!  
> I intend to write one story for each of the 7 books, so if you like it follow the series!  
> Disclaimer: I own nothing except my regrets and mistakes  
> And enjoy!

Hello, my name is Gandalf the not so colorful. And this is the story of what happened after I got on the boat with Bilbo, the fuck up Frodo, and some elves. As some of you may have noticed during the “ring-saga” Frodo is not a man with a lot of luck. Some might even call him unlucky. I usually call him annoying (or Frodo). Anyhow, the boat.

Frodo’s bad luck was having a great day about a week after we set sail. We unfortunately ran in to a storm. A big ass storm. Like really big. Think of the biggest storm you can imagine, and multiply by ten. I named it Doom, as an homage to the mount Doom back in Mordor.

As you can probably imagine, a storm this big is not something a small hobbit is going to survive. Both Bilbo and Frodo died. The elves that were on the boat probably died to, I didn’t pay very much attention to them. Or anything else, after Frodo died.

Never in my long life have I felt such joy, finally the two biggest fuckups I’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting are dead. Needless to say I teleported of the wreck of a boat and threw a party. A big ass-party. Like really big. Think of the biggest party you can imagine, and multiply by ten. I named it “heck yes! Finally I am free!”.

After downing a bottle of something called firewhiskey I realized that I didn’t know anyone at the party, but everyone seemed to know me. Or someone who looked like me. Named Dumbledore.

I decided to continue partying for now and figure things out in the morning.

Morning came, and with it the realization that I had no idea where I was. Strange. I looked around and figured out that I must have teleported to a different universe. Oops.

I didn’t even know that was possible, but it seemed legit. Perks of being an all-powerful old wizard. I also figured out who this Dumbledore was and why everybody decided to party with me last night. It was a weekday, people had to work the next day. Or well today. Anyhow, apparently there had been some kind of war in the magical community (not overly fond of being one of many witches and wizards) that had ended last night. Some dude called Voldemort had gone to kill a 15 month old baby, he had failed. It was hard to keep a straight face when the woman (cat?) told me this. Clearly the witches and wizards here weren’t very good at magical mojo stuff, not at all like me (I’m awesome).

I decided to go check on the boy that Dumbledore had put with his relatives for safekeeping. And because the bane of my life is Frodo, of course he had been reborn into this child. God damnit. Will I never be free?

I left him there while I went to find this Voldemort man, or thing. I found him several times, in different places. Hiding in inanimate objects, very cowardly.

A plan started to form in my head.

Time to act my age and fuck shit up for Frodo the dickhead. Or Harry as he was apparently called here. Finally time to show that annoying little midget how it’s done.

At first I felt like waiting ten years to fuck his shit up was a lot, but then I remembered that I’m immortal (and awesome). Ten years just gives me more time to prepare.

Leaving him with his kind of shady relatives was probably not a good idea but I figured the authorities would probably swoop in and save him at some point. It’ll be fine. Probably. If I wasn’t so done with Frodo’s constant whining I would probably put him with someone else, but he is annoying, so here we are.

The annoying midget taken care of I started to move the horocruxes as they are called around, turning it into an awesome quest of not so epic proportions for annoying midget to figure out. He’d probably be done with it by the time he turned 15 if his head isn’t too small to fit a brain.

Ten years of being a headmaster on a school was incredibly boring and by the time the midgets eleventh summer came I was so excited I could barely contain myself. Minerva found this very unnerving, which only added to my giddiness.

Sending all the letters to his house was hilarious, but sending Hagrid to deal with his family was even more fun, the giant buffoon really is an idiot. And “entrusting him” with the task of getting the stone from Gringotts. Just imagining his face brings me joy, so full of love for me (Dumbledore) and pride for being “entrusted” with something so important. As though I would ever trust him with something important, I’m immortal (and awesome) and do not care at all about this stone that gives you immortal (and not so awesome) life.

I was greatly surprised when the midget ended up in Gryffindor instead of Hufflepuff, the annoying midget had always been to kind, and as all hobbits far too interested in food. Then I figured it was probably due to him being from middle-earth, where everyone is obsessed with naming things after doors. Even I the great Gandalf share this strange obsession, which is why I love my new name Dumbledore.

He looked thoroughly freaked out when I mentioned the third floor corridor and the danger behind it, he made the same face when he first saw a nazgûl. And once again when I mentioned the forbidden forest. What a fucking pussy.

As the dimwitted idiot that he is, he immediately suspected Snape to be the villain. All of this was of course made more realistic by Snape’s hatred of the midget, and more fun because of the “real” villain’s very fake stutter and absurd looking turban. Of course in all of this the only real villain was me, the immortal (and awesome) very flamboyant Gandalf. I decided to change out of my old boring white outfit when I first came here and instead wear only the most ridiculous and outrageous of robes. One of the better decisions of my life. Having people taking me completely serious when I’m wearing neon brown robes with stars that twinkle on them makes me extremely happy, almost as happy as thinking up new ways to ruin the midget’s life.

Minerva is possibly one of the most annoying cats (?) I have ever met. Always bugging me with student safety, and why I would ever hire someone as incompetent as Quirrel, or why I haven’t fired Snape yet, and why there’s a giant squid in the giant lake. Like?! You think I have all the answers woman (cat?)? I don’t! I’m just an immortal (and awesome) wizard who happen to look like this Dumbledore dude. Why don’t you go ask him instead? Or actually don’t do that. That would end badly.

Moving on…

Minerva nagging me is the reason I drink so much, after every conversation with her I get the sudden urge to drown myself.

In alcohol.

Then set myself on fire.

But alas I can’t. Because I’m immortal (and awesome) and therefore can’t die.

Which is fine, who would fuck with the midget if not me? Snape? No. He’s an idiot when it comes to pranks. I tried pranking him once, major failure.

Perhaps if I turned the “know it all” Hermione? Setting Snape on fire was truly classic, will definitely use that in the future against Harry (Frodo (midget)). Or maybe I’ll improve it? Put him in an enclosed area with a dragon? That would be epic.

Quirrel really is an amazing “puppyvillain”… A troll? Fantastic idea. Made even better by the midget and his crew. Sticking your wand up the troll’s nose? Wow. And Hermione. Phu-lease we all know you’re lying honey…

It’s a shame the midget crew isn’t smarter. It’s all taking far too long to be fun for me, which is the point of all of this. Time to bring in the big guns, and by big guns I mean the giant buffoon.

How Hagrid is this much of an idiot really is a mystery, trying to raise a dragon? With his salary?

Also Ron, your brother is clearly not raising dragons in Romania. Can’t you see how much of a criminal he is? You asked him to smuggle a dragon not only out of the school, but out of the actual country. And he was just like, yeah cool! I’ll just ask some “friends” (henchmen) to help me. This dragon is going to be sold to the highest bidder. Once it’s big enough it will be killed for its skin. In five years you’re going to see some rich old dude wearing a dragon skin vest, and it’s going to be Norbert.

It’s decided. Everyone else is an idiot, and I’m immortal (and awesome) and most definitely not an idiot.

Giving the midget his father’s invisibility cloak was a kick ass good idea. Finally he can sneak around without the fear of being noticed. Maybe now he’ll speed things up.

Ooh the mirror of Erised, you ask me what I see midget? You miserable, and me awesome and wearing flamboyant clothes (even the socks). One can never have too many socks. And nobody cares about your sob story about seeing the family you never had. Now go to bed and leave me. How does this thing even work? The midget has never met his family, yet he can see them? Is it just an imaginary family, made up by him? Or is it his actual family? And the socks? Are there really such wonderful socks out there? Just waiting for me to find them? I need to find them. Their great beauty bring tears to my eyes.

Oh wait still here? You’re so short I didn’t even notice you.

Wow, this headmastering really is boring. Or should I say dooring? 100 points to Dumbledore. Even my phoenix is boring. Wonder what the giant squid is up to? Probably eating oranges, dude has a weird obsession with oranges. And the basilisk. It got so out of hand the basilisk had to get a restraining order last year, since then the amount of stolen oranges from the kitchen has gone up considerably. I will need to deal with this at some point. This many oranges going to waste? In this economy? Not a viable option long term. But for now I guess I can let the squid be. It’s been through a lot.

And I should probably let the Basilisk have some fun to. Maybe I can sic it on the midget? That would be fun. It has been done before of course. But nobody except the ghosts, the cat and the buffoon is going to remember that. And they all thought it was Hagrid. It’ll be fine. Note to self: Get diary to student. And buy more roosters. Also, destroy (kill?) all grown up mandrakes in Britain.

Minerva please stop bugging me, I’m trying to plot the demise and utter humiliation of Frodo.. I mean Harry. Potter. Harry Potter.

The year is almost over and the midget is still nowhere close to figuring shit out. This is no fun at all.

Oh Quirrel, my Quirrel… You really think I don’t know this letter calling me to London is from you… It’s your handwriting for crying out loud! But to keep up appearances I should go, maybe I can move the diary now. Too bad I’ll miss all the action though. Ah well. Can’t have everything in life, even when you are immortal (and awesome). Bye bye Hogwarts!

God damnit! Hermione just had to send me that letter didn’t she!

Although seeing the midget literally killing Quirrel by touching him was quite nice. Felt a lot like a metaphor for our relationship. Everything he touches dies and turns to dust. Ooh just thought of a prank. I’ll do it next year.

You gullible little shit, you just gonna take my word for everything I say?

“No sorry Harry, I don’t want to tell you about your parents, your connection to Voldemort or literally anything important” And you just take it?! Like seriously, what is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head as child or something?

You are making this to easy!

Oh wow, look at this. Slytherin is winning, fair and square. But I’m a piece of shit, so Gryffindor will win. Hermione, have a bunch of points for being slightly less of an idiot. Ron here you go, you were probably not loved enough as a child so you need this. And Harry, here you go. For providing me with some A+ comedy and murder, good on you. Ah shit, Slytherin is still in the lead.. Who else? AHA! Neville you little coward, have some points for bravery or something.. #GOGRYFFINDOR. Boooom! I’m the headmaster I can do what I want, let’s eat!

Aww look at that, the midget is laughing and having a good time. Probably thinks that’s it, no more almost dying. A quiet life from now on.

What a fucking Idiot.  
The end

**Author's Note:**

> Did you like it?
> 
> I like comments! Feel free to give me ideas for future stories and ways to improve stuff!


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